放開過去的錯誤:6個原諒自己的步驟

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“At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~ Christine Mason Miller
“擁有當下的力量:人生旅程的終點便由您決定。”

Sometimes you do or say things you regret. If you’ve experienced this recently, you might be struggling to forgive yourself, especially if your actions hurt someone you love.
人生中,我們少不免會做了、說了令自己後悔的事,然後把自己陷入無法自我原諒的掙扎中。當你的行為傷害了你愛的人時,這種感覺更會變得強烈。

A few months ago, I had a falling out with a friend. It happened like most misunderstandings do: swiftly and unexpectedly. I barely had time to comprehend what was happening.
幾個月前,我和一個朋友鬧翩了。大家因為有一些誤解,事情在缺乏理解和消化間就這樣迅速地發生了。

My friend was trying to convince me to join him in a business venture, which I politely tried to decline. After a while of us going back and forth, my patience was wearing thin, and he began to appear less like a friend and more like a pushy salesman.
事緣是朋友不斷地遨請我加入他的企業,卻被我婉拒。經過一段時間的來回討論,我的耐性漸減退,而他亦變得像一個硬銷的推銷員。

He then made a comment that I interpreted as a personal insult. I immediately became angry and lashed out. I thought I was justified in my reaction, but upon reflection, I realized that I had misunderstood his words and rushed to judgment.
然後,他對我作出了一個“我認為是人生攻擊”的評論,我真的憤怒了。我嘗試去說服自己的反擊是有會理的,但經過反思,我知道自己誤解了他的話且太急於下判斷。

Even after a follow-up conversation, with my apologies and all, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a terrible mistake. I feared that our relationship would never be the same.
雖然在接下來的對話我已表示深感歉意,但我仍然無法原諒自已所犯下的錯誤,我真的很害怕我們的友誼會因此而無法修復。

That episode in my life led me to think about the ways we get hung up on our personal failures. They can threaten to keep us stuck in the past and define who we are going forward.
這個小插曲不禁令我想起日想生活中,我們經常也會遇到這些令自己心神不靈的事情,把我們囚禁於過去的過錯,令自己無法再往未來前進。

My personal reflection and experience yielded the following seven steps to forgiving yourself:
經過我的反思和經歷,我得出了以下7個原諒自己的步驟,

1. Name what you have done.  列出你做過什麼。

Before you can forgive yourself, you must gain some clarity about what happened. Begin by writing down the details of the events and your own actions that contributed to the situation.
在原諒自己前,你必須弄清楚事情的來龍去脈。嘗試詳細地寫下事件,想想自己做過什麼促成了問題發生。

Resist the need to blame any other people or external circumstances, and focus only on yourself. You may experience intense vulnerability when you do this exercise. Engage this vulnerability by compassionately owning it rather than suppressing it.
不要怪責任何人、任何外在事物,把專注力投放在自己身上。在做這個練習時,你可能會感覺到激烈的內在攻擊、感到無力。請以憐憫的心擁抱這鼓無力感,不要試圖壓制它。

In my own situation, I justified my actions by focusing on my friend’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior. Once I was willing to focus on my own behavior, I could see more clearly that I had judged his words too quickly.
以我的情況為例,我把問題的茅頭指向了自己的朋友,嘗試合理化自己的行為,我墮入了思考的盲點,看不清事實。而當我清楚思考自己的行為時,才發現自己過早於下判斷。

2. Ask for forgiveness.  請求寬恕。

Asking for forgiveness is not easy. Your willingness to approach a person you have hurt means you’re admitting you have done wrong and are sorry for it.
請求寬恕不是一件易事。當你願意接近那個你傷害了的人,代表你已承認自己的錯誤並且深感悔意。

Avoid minimizing your responsibility by using phrases like, “I’m sorry if…” or, “I’m sorry but…” I knew that I needed to apologize to my friend and take full responsibility for my actions. I simply named the wrong I had done to him and asked for forgiveness.
道歉時不要嘗試減免自己的負任,例如說 “對不起…如果不是…就…。” 或 “對不起…但…。”。
當我知道自己犯錯後,我走到我朋友的面前,然後直接了當地承認了自己的不當,請求他的寬恕。

3. Forgive yourself every time negative thoughts intrude. 原諒被消極想法入侵的自己。

Sometimes we struggle to forgive ourselves, even when we have been forgiven.
有時侯,即使我們被別人原諒了,我們仍然會活在無法自我原諒的掙扎中。

After my friend and I had resolved our situation, I continued to experience guilt and negative thoughts about my actions.
當朋友和我已表示和好後,我卻仍然陷於自我內疚的處境中。

I eventually learned that self-forgiveness is not a one-time deal—it’s a gradual process. Every time self-loathing thoughts surfaced, I would take a deep breath and exhale all the negativity I was feeling. You can do some similar act of kindness toward yourself when negative thoughts emerge.
最後我終於明白自我原諒並不是一件一次性的事-而是一個漸進的過程。每一次當自我厭惡的感覺浮現時,我都會深深地吸一口氣,然後把所有消極負面的想法呼出。當類似的情況也發生在你身上時,嘗試做這個練習去安撫自己的內心吧。

4. Show up and let yourself be seen. 表現自己。

This idea comes from Dr. Brené Brown, whose research on vulnerability and shame has helped many people gain the courage to show up for their lives rather than sit on the sidelines—or worse, hide in shame.
Brené Brown 博士一項關於“脆弱性和羞愧感“的研究已為很多人提供面對脆弱和羞愧的勇氣,不再去隱藏這些感覺。

When facing painful personal mistakes, the temptation to shut down and disengage is strong. I found myself avoiding interactions with my friend because I was afraid he would judge me or remind me of what happened in the past. Once I had the courage to show up, I quickly discovered that my fears were unfounded.
當面對個人的失誤,自我封閉感會變得強烈。我發現自己總是避免與朋友交接,因為內心害怕它會批判我那過去的錯事。但當我鼓起勇起展現自己,我很快就發現,我的擔心根本就毫無根據。
If you struggle with showing up, know that you have gained much wisdom that can help your future relationships thrive if you have the strength to show up and try again.
鼓起勇氣去表現自己,你將會得到更多智慧,並獲得更長久的關係。

5. Be grateful for your mistakes. 感激您的錯誤。

It might seem strange to express gratitude for our mistakes, especially the embarrassing and painful ones. But think back to a time when you exercised poor judgment or did something you regretted. How has the experience changed you? Did it make you wiser, stronger, or more discerning?
對自己的錯誤表示感激也許聽來奇怪,但試回想一下過去犯過的錯、後悔的事是否改變了你?試想想,這些經驗不都令你更有智慧、更強大、更有洞察力?

I learned the dangers of having a quick temper and rushing to judgment. Now when I am upset, I try to give myself some time and space to reflect rather than react. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in these ways.
我學習到急性子和妄下判斷是十分危險的事,現在我都會嘗試讓自己先多反省,然後才作出反應。我很感激這次學習和成長的機會。

And if you can learn to see your mistakes in such a light—as opportunities to grow—you can be grateful for them too.
所以,如果你能把錯誤看成一次學習機會,你同樣也會心存感激。

6. Radically love all of who you are. 完全地愛上自己的所有。

Joseph Campbell once said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” So be who you are, not who you used to be. Celebrate who you have become in spite of, or even because of, your past mistakes.
Joseph Campbell 曾說過 「一生最大的榮幸就是可以真正地活出自己。」,所以你要活在現在的自己,不是過去的自己。過去的你造就你今天的你,為現在的你感到驕傲,不要被過去的錯誤囚禁。

My own mistakes and flaws have helped me become a better person to my friend, and that will ultimately strengthen my friendships going forward. So love all of who you are, including your past mistakes, and you’ll only grow stronger from them.

我過去的錯誤令我變得更好,更增進了我與友人的友情!所以,去擁抱和愛你自己,過去的過錯令今天的你成為更好的人!

You Are Worthy of Forgiveness 你是值得被原諒的。

These steps are not always easy to follow—especially during times when we have truly messed up. But we can recover from our mistakes, learn from them, forgive ourselves, and move on with our lives.
縱然這些步驟並不容易去做(尤其當我們身陷其中時),但這些步驟卻在提醒我們任何錯誤均可以糾正,我們從中學習,原諒自己,令自己活得更好。

You are worthy of your own love and forgiveness. Believe it with every fiber of your being.Commit to practicing these steps daily, even on those days when you’d rather not.Resolve to forgive yourself. Resolve to free yourself of the past. Resolve to live in the present. And look toward the future with hope and optimism.
謹記你是值得被自己愛和原諒,每天堅持練習這些步驟,原諒自己,放開過去,勇敢地活在當下,對未來充滿期望和喜悅。

Source : http://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-past-mistakes-6-steps-forgiving/
Joseph Campbell : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Campbell
Dr Brene Brown – The Power of Vulnerability : http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en#t-597506
Image from : http://weheartit.com/entry/138710373http://weheartit.com/entry/138710373

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